Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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