i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
