im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
