At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
