Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
where are you?
Hypothermia
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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