we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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