Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
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