You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
