he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
