rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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