Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
