Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
