Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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