I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
