i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
