At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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