i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
