im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
