You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
