If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
