its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Randomize
