Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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