i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
