I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
