the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
