Kiss
Puke
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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