so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
