My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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