Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
