Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
