Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
