Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
