She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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