I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
