i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
