so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
