Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
