dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
