not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
