Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Two words: blizzard sex
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
