You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you told grandpa to call you daddy
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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