Princesses don't give blow jobs
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
