you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
