hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
