I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
