he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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