I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Houston, we have a squirter
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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