So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I wish life had little blips of pornography
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
