I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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