I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
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