Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
