if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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