My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
