My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
