did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
