Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
