just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
