apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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