I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I looked at my own cervix.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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